I must write about all of these fabulous things because I won't be able to sleep until I have written some of this. I have spent a very very long time in much prayer about Freedom, Freedom from Fear, Freedom from Guilt, Freedom to be ME.Like a really long time. Years. The past few weeks God has been working on my life in some very amazing ways. Some of the ways I don't realize until I apply hindsight, but when I do see it, I think it's just amazing. He's been taking me through realizing that who I am is acceptable, and that I can stop trying to emulate different versions of what must be proper.

See, ages 1 - 14 was alot of chaos and abuse and confusion. 14 - 15 was some what more structured and 16- 17 was more structured, plus I had a couple who really taught me alot of good things, worked with me on the aspergers, like how to greet people when going into a room, and how to be polite and cordial. There was alot of counseling and groups to teach me proper behaviour and coping skills as well. But I don't think 2 years was long enough to learn everything I need to know and so therefore alot of failures have taken place. Fast forward to 28, and my inability to figure out the HOWs and WHATs has left me pretty dispondent.

I've been praying for a long time for various things, most of them involve God please help me figure this out, please help me not to mess up this time, please help me to remember how to talk to people, please me to do things right, as well as expressing frustration and how He created me.But lately God has been showing me that I am OK. I'm trying not to be too repetitive of my previous blogs, and I am hoping that what I have written so far will suffice for those who have not read the other ones.See Dori, the reason I can't BREATHE is because I have been for the past 10 years trying VERY VERY hard to get things RIGHT. I spend all of my time every day trying to figure out WHAT I should filter and what is ok. I have NEVER been able to figure it out, so I basically am just worried all the time, and I generally don't figure out what things I have messed up at until AFTER I've messed them up and offended someone or something, and then I feel like an even bigger failure because I was trying so friggin hard, why couldn't I GET IT? Does that make sense?

Lately things have been to where I can begin to breathe a bit at my job bc they seem to accept my oddities and I feel I can relax more there. It's the first time I've ever had a job like THAT. Which I believe brought me to the place where I began to decide that maybe the way I was created was NOT a bad thing. Maybe it wasn't a fluke, maybe my brain is not flawed, but DESIGNED. And this gives me the freedom to do what he has called me to do, which is to write. TONIGHT was just BEAUTIFUL. DORI, I felt safe, relaxed, ok, acceptable. It was the first glimpse at life without WORRYING. Yes , I would like to breathe. I think I will begin doing this. I think the hyper focus mode has been on worrying about doing things right and being unable to figure out how. To be able to walk through my day with PEACE and JOY, this is a wonderful and beautiful idea.

To not worry about doing things wrong.

To not worry about offending people.

To not worry about how to make it so that I never never again have to hear someone say "I just don't know how to deal with you" or "I can't do this anymore" or any variation of that statements that basically reinforce everything I have previously believed about not being an acceptable human being.

Words are substance to me. It kills me. And God is so beautiful in the way He spoke to me, there was one guy at the group who started talking about how "words have surrounded you and become a chain around you" Well that was basically prophetic of where I live. I have a whole list of words people have spoken to me that play over and over and I try to form ways of how to not cause those things to happen ever again, to not make people feel this way, and I JUST CAN'T. And the words really have been a hook in my heart, because I never seem to LEARN. I guess that part frustrates me, but God brought alot of healing words to me tonight, through the people who spoke. They were liberating words that I can carry with me, that will hopefully resonate louder then the hurtful ones. Dori, I am glad God has placed you and your family in my life. And I am glad for all of the really amazing ways that He is bringing freedom and understanding to my life, and the whole joy and peace thing? I dig it. I think I can sleep now.